the process...

i was hurting and i went to the meeting this morning. in desperation i shared what i was feeling, i cried, i shook, i expressed my fear of what God's will my be and how i am afraid to just trust Him right now. I expressed my fear of what is going to happen when i come face to face with this guy or with them together as a couple. then he walked in the meeting. he was smiling. i lost it. i doubled over in pain and cried harder than i person should cry in public.
people congratulated me for my courage and perseverance.
i cried.
people shared with me that they wished they had stood strong in the storm like i am doing instead of going to get high.
i cried.
people shared that they had to run away to another place to deal with the feelings and they had to deal with it when they came back.
still i cried.
peopel shared that they medicated in a variety of ways and still the problem was there when they got done.
still i cried.
he got up and went in to the back room and i got up and followed him. people said don't go.
i went.
i walked up to him and told him that i needed to talk.
we walked into a private room and closed the door.
i asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he is ok with what is happening to me and to my family.
that he is ok with knowing that she is just the flaovr of the minute to him and that she means the world to me.
he denied any wrong doing and he was right. he hasnt done anything wrong.
i hugged him and went back into the meeting.
i listened and i learned.
just for today, i thank God for the strength and courage to walk through the storm clean. i thank God for showing me and i am beginning to trust that: He is all i need.
I know now that if i keep my eyes on Him then all else can come and go and i can be ok with that. even if i am not ok with it - i can survive it - clean. just for today - things get bad and things get good, but as long as i dont get high this too shall pass. God please have mercy on your hard-headed son, let me learn what i need to learn, let me become what you want me to become, let me find serenity through it all and let me place my life in your hands and be ok with the outcome.
peace.