ok the gloves are off...

so maybe i thought that if i didn't say anything that this shit would blow over on its own. kinda like a distoreted acting as if thing (you know)?

anyway here's whats up:

nothing has changed - in fact things are getting worse. i am pertrified that my next goof will cause her to call the cops on me.

my self-respect is wanning & her respect for me is also.

I keep clowning - placing bugs on her computer so i can see who she's talking to - so i can get mad and hurt and crazy.

i'm done.

i confessed in an open meeting and surrendered and asked for help

people are going to stick with me all day tomorrow.

three guys shared that their similar experiences landed them in jail - i ain't going out like that.

people shared wiht me that they knew me bofore i got with her and that i was afraid of being by myself then (5 years ago) snd now its time for me to face the fear - they also shared that i have what it takes to handle this and that from this i will indeed grow. they reminded me that they all love me just the same now as they did when we were together (she's also in the program and we attended the same meetings in this small town)
which incidently brings me to my next point: she was so aggrivated with me tyhat she went into the meeting and shared about my behavior in the meeting where everybody knew who she was talking about.
i wasn't angry or embarrassed - i actually understand that she has to do what she feels is necessary for her recovery. i pushed her to this point. i have to change. i understand (normally she would never do anything like that)

so no more promises, oaths, deals or reservations. now i am rolling on pure fear (fear of being locked up. they say when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of the unknown then we will change. weeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll... i think my time has come.
today is my new clean date for this chaotic mess (i can't even call it a relationship anymore - i have destroyed that long ago).

JUST FOR TODAY: fuck it, even an broken clock is right twice a day (meaning that even old braindead can finally have enough pain to try something different)


DISCLAIMER: hey i ain't making this stuff up for dramatic effect. this just is what it is and i just write about it to the best of my ability. i thank God for those of you who give unselfishly in order to help the 'still suffering'. You are angels and my God is smiling on you. May the worst of your future surpass the best of your past.
I love you.
Kepp praying for my (and if you haven't been praying for me: then please start)