i am currently working the first step again, i have a feeling that my sponsor is going to have me here for a while and that's ok - maybe sponsor knows best.
my assignment is to read it everyday as many times as i like and try to really internalize it. try to really make all my decisions based on good motives, avoid manipulation and self-will. trust the process, even and especially when it is in conflict with my "want-to's". it will not be easy always but it will be good.
i have to start living the program - all over again, on a whole 'nother level this time in order to be who God wants me to be.
there's work a plenty for old braindead to do. and that is the hope-shot for me, because what if i was already doing all i could and still wound up as crazy as a jay-bird - now that would be a damn shame.
so JUST FOR TODAY out of gratitude for all that God has brought me through (not saying that i am completely through this ordeal but i am done with the excruciating out-of-control aspect of it) and out of absolute fear of having to relive it exactly the same way again down the road - i think i will make every conscoius effort to be in God's will - for fucking real and on every front this time.
yeah i will make mistakes, but that isnt the same as being defiant.
p.s. somebody once said that "some people don't realize that GOD is all they need, until GOD is all they have" - imagine that: there must a been other Braindead Geniuses before me.
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