Shattered

the truth has come to the light...

after a few days of semi-relief i finally broke. i was carrying a reservation: i thought that if i just 'played my cards right' then eventually SHE would come back to me. everything i did was designed to get HER back, praying right (so God would deliver Her unto me), sharing right in a meeting (so the word would get back to Her that i was doing ok without Her), i even went as far as to almost actually start getting better (because folks said that i had to do that in order to have a shot at getting HER back).

damn it sucks to give someone all that power - it is demoralizing, humiliating and exhausting.

like i said i finally broke. i call several people to talk me out of calling Her, we prayed, talked and it was no good, i had to call Her: the end result was disgusting - at the mere mention of the scumbag's name that she's dealing with - she flipped out on me (she actually has feelings for this fuck) needless to say that it was a very short conversation.
so now i'm pissed off and i felt the need to call Him. we talked for about a half-hour and after the conversation i think that i finally surrendered to two disturbing realizations: 1. that bastard has no conscience whatsoever to call himself my friend and pounce on my ex-fiancee less than two weeks after we split and 2. he aint letting her go until he is good and gad-damn ready to - i can simply go to hell basically.

so i thanked him for his honesty (hah !) and told him that i hope god blesses him and his recovery and if he ever finds himself struggling that i would always be available to him (i'm just made like that).

now what?
freedom !
why?
reality hit me so hard that i didnt have a fantsy large enough to overcome it.
what reality am i talking about?
this one: THEY have been together for almost a month, but when i met her she was COMPLETELY NO HOLDS BARRED INTIMATE WITH ME AFTER ONLY TWO DAYS. maybe that contributed to my feeling so "special". but now all of a sudden i have become old news and this highly promiscuous asshole is her current love interest? i choose to believe that she is doing any and everything with him now -thats her M.O.
now that ladies and gentlemen is fucking DISGUSTING.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww !
I dont think i could ever be intimate with her ever again.
pardon my language but thats how i feel.
diry because his high risk for disease ass is her lover and dumb because she either doesn't know or chooses not to be in reality of the facts that most people in three cities (at least) are aware of.
so whooo god dammit ! i cant fuck with her - she has finally in my mind violated the sanctity of our relationship.
yeah this may be fantasy - but it is a necessary assumption. and based on it i have found freedom.
no longer am i connected to these people i the horribly painful way that i had been.
just for today: take my sloppy seconds you dirty bastard one day you will realize "that it aint no fun when the rabbit got the gun" your turn soon cometh. and god bless you you poor pitiful dumb whore. you made a terrible decision in the name of running from the pain. you will rue the day - cuz now there aint never no looking back. i am on to bigger and better things in my life. its been a long journey but i have finally found me - i was here all along. i am drew, before, during and after that girl. i so made her what she respectable, decent, honorable - less than two weeks away from me and she's already the friggin laughing stock and she doesn't even know it yet.
poetic justice.
as a simple human i say: fuck 'em both. but at the same time as a recovering addict on a spiritual journey i say to them: god bless and help you.
peace