powerful

this disease of addiction is such a powerful destructive enemy of life.
a few months back i was a semi-normal recovering addict with family, job, friends and happiness; sharing my experience, strength and hope with others

in a short period of time i have been reduced to a man who cried in nearly every meeting i attend, sleeps terribly, barely eats, is mentally and emotionally distraught, who has exhibited the behavior of a stalking, annoying, begging lunatic.

i have no joy left, no hope or help for anyone else - nor myself.
i pray ceaselessly. i struggle just to keep from hurting and crying.

this is not a sign of a mental condition, nor is it about any person other than me.
this is about warfare - waged on me by my disease of addiction.
this is all about an overly-sensitive ego, powerlessness, acceptance, control, trust and faith, fear, sitting still, making a decision and taking action, being patient, having courage, changing my perspective, surviving my emotions and simply enduring life on life's terms.

i thought i was doing such a fine job - now i dont feel so fine anymore. i have been taking a beating but i havent used.

so JUST FOR TODAY, i think i am doing better than i feel.