i suffer from the disease of "want to". i believe that i should be able to do, have and be whatever i want to do have and be. i use many techniques to support this fantasy: denial,manipulation, rationalization, etc...
if things don't go the way i want them to theni experience anything from discomfort to pain.
another name for my affliction is "control" - if things aren't going my way then i try to control them into being.
all my life i have been this way and i hate it.
i am grateful for finally seeing the light. something ugly has been revealed and it hurts me to see it.
i have been trying to convince my "ex" that i will be different and yet my every action is still an attempt to control. i am not living in acceptance or surrender.
my pain has been so great that i think i would be beyond insane to continue on this path. i have no choice but to trust in God and this process with every decision i make and every action that i take.
i have been fearful that it is a sign of shame to give up and not rely on my own talents and mind for guidance and yet today i no longer trust myself, i no longer am willing to take a chance on my way anymore.
additionally pain and discomfort causes me to seek relief and that has been a trap for me - my mind tells me that relief lies in actions that have only led me deeper into the pits of dispair. i have to hold on through the pain in order to find freedom.
another of my pitfalls is the absence of pain - i want to take control again, and the results are the same.
a complete and total surrender is my only hope at this point and i guess it always has been, i am just finally beginning to understand this fact.
there is much work to be done, but thank God that hope is found here...
Just for today - things aren't as bad as they have been, but the battle is far from over, if i am to get better then i can not rest, i must not rest.
pray for me
a life is still at stake.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
"Change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go. Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, bur around us in awareness." - James Thurber
I'm hoping that you are ready to let go.
Erin
i'm praying for you.
i recently have been reading this book called
"the celebration of discipline" and one chapter in particular helped me out an incredible amount through the last few months of my life which have been in a very "dark" place.
it talks about how our culture emphsizes euphoria, happiness, creature comforts and the likes, but anytime a person feels anything like despair, hoplesssness, bleak, black mood it is considered the worst possible thing and must be avoided at all costs.
on the contrary the "dark night of the soul" as is referred to in this book is one of God's tools that draws us closer to his loving and open arms.
it took a lot for me to learn that sometimes the most painful, uncomfortable, trying and "dark" times are the ones where we grow the most.
sometimes God brings us to our knees so we can ONLY turn to him.
Sometimes God must break us to help us to heal correctly.
Its hard to understand these concepts, not on an intellectual level, but on an emotional, spiritual and applicable level it certainly is.
surrendering to God is something anyone in todays world struggles with.
but the point being it is nothing to do with US,
we cannot MAKE anything happen, or even try harder to surrender. that is the very nature and spirit which has gotten us into trouble.
learning to let go and let God is perhaps the hardest but most rewarding thing.
you are in my prayers
"my peace i give to you"
Post a Comment