Moving right along... i guess

I keep putting my hands in the pot and stirring up more trouble for myself.
I have been acting out in ways that lower my self-esteem and cause me to hurt more.
I am truly trying not to.
I have been crying oceans it seems
but i believe there is more pain coming.
I surrender. No more adding to a bad situation. the only way to get through this mess is to go through it with some sense of dignity or at least self-control.
i have been struggling with trying to get an intellectual understanding of what i am going through - hell i have been struggling with every aspect of this ordeal from its onset.
but still i stand.
and i stand clean dammit.
i haven't completely lost my mind.
and i am setting a boundary - no calls today - not a one.
no more desire to go back to the source of my pain.
yeah i still want her but the truth is that we are broken up and whatever she does is none of my business.
i have a life to live and i am goign to get busy living it.
i went to a convention and she was there (ouch) looking damn good too and politely blowing me off (expected) her new boyfriend revealed himself (a friend of mine (OUCH!) i called him today and told him that i aint mad and God bless him. (stoopid, i know)
but i really think that i have exhausted myself now.
i have closure i guess, i know that i dont want anymore pain - thats for sure...
and they say that the only way to get to the other side of this pain is to keep my hands out of it. accept it - i am powerless
powerlessness certainly sucks today.
but oh well
i am growing through this and i will manage to survive - God has me now because my legs gave a long time ago.
Oh yeah i have a new friend and i fucking am comforted by her presence but i dont really like her very much - tonights the first night she hasnt been here in four day and we just sleep together, we did have sex once) but now i am feeling wierd. i really want her to come back (oh my God thats sounds nutty)
i also went on a date today with another girl who was cute but... and she wanted to engage in some instant gratification (yay!) but i wasn't trying to get with her either (strange hunh?) i chose to go the meeting instead of maybe having sex with her.
then there was the girl in the meeting (but i resisted)
Just for today... this shit can get as complicated as i want it to be. But all in all, for some strange reason i think i'm doing a fine job.